Deep Thoughts on a Sunday night

My roommates and I loved these way back in the day. They always made us chuckle and guffaw and chortle for days. I’ve been doing a little bit of “spring cleaning” behind the scenes on this bloggie and found this post that I hadn’t published yet. Perhaps you needed a laugh today.

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Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
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To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” You can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.
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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
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If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
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Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?
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Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.
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If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
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To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
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I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
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Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
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During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.”
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If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
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When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
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If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
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If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.
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Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
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If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.
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One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake.
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Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you’d look out your little window and think, “Boy, I’m glad I’m not out in that.”
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Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.
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For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
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I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I’d have all my money back.
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Many people don’t realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.
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One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
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Hee hee!! So random and so funny. Hope you enjoyed. xoxoxoxo